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Oh, hi.

Tuesday, June 19

So. It's been almost a year since my last post. Shameful, I tell you. I had so many exciting plans, and then life got in the way. Recently though, this blog has regained my attention.

After some serious soul-searching, I came to the realization that what I was doing with my life was not at all what I wanted to do with my life. I had been traveling down one road for so many years that it became really difficult to take a step back and make sure it was really what I wanted. Finally, after a semester (or two) from hell (I was a PhD student; still am, technically, at this exact moment), I'd had enough. Why was I putting myself through all of this stress for something that didn't seem worth it to me? I'm not saying that the area I was studying is not worthwhile - it TOTALLY is. It just wasn't for me. It made me miserable. I was constantly bored or stressed out. The little fulfillment I got from it was not worth the stress and anxiety it caused. My heart was never in it.

So I sat down and really listened to myself for the first time in a long time. I thought about getting to the end of my life and looking back - what would I regret? It's not like we get a do-over if we get to the end and don't like the life we've led (unless of course, you believe in reincarnation). And then it became glaringly obvious. This career was not for me. I need to be creative. I've felt so stifled the last 5 years. Like I'm not myself. Not the person I want to be.

So I made a choice. And that's what made it so hard, I think. My best friend was saying that the decision was almost more stressful because it was a choice. It would be one thing if I couldn't hack the program and had no choice but to drop out. But that was never the case. I'm doing just fine in the program and at my work placements; it's just not making me happy. When I picture doing that job day-in, day-out for the rest of my life, it all looks bleak.

So, here I am. Ready to start fresh. Try something new. Something creative. I have some ideas about where I want to go, but right now I feel really open to possibility. And that is SO EXCITING. I think about my future now, and things don't feel heavy. They feel light and happy and full of promise.
Here we go.

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